Dear Baby Jesus, it's me, Allen
by LylicaGalatea
Summary: It's Christmas time and Allen writes a letter to Baby Jesus, asking for help. And he receives his answer on Christmas eve. He realises he already has a person who cares deeply for him by his side and who will be his pillar through the bad times.


A oneshot I intended to post before Christmas... :p Just an idea I had seeing some kids writing a letter to Santa asking for presents. I wanted it to imply more love but their bond is far more than love in here. At least that's what I meant to write.

usual disclaimer applies, no warnings.

**Enjoy!**

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24th December 189…

Dear Baby Jesus,

it's me, Allen.

I haven't written a letter to you in a very long time, actually if I think about it, I only wrote you once.

When I was a baby I was too busy trying to survive, I didn't believe there was a God, because if You were truly there you wouldn't have let me suffer so much. I've lived asking myself why I had to suffer that much. Was I really such a bad kid? Did I really deserve it? I hope You can forgive my childhood selfishness.

My suffering lasted up until I met Mana. I remember my only letter to You, I was thanking You for letting me meet him, and that's when I started to believe that maybe all of my suffering was necessary to guide me to Mana and earn myself his love.

But then You took him away, my joy, my hope, my ability to love, my life.

And I started thinking that if You were really there, then You were, to say the least, indifferent to my suffering... although I admit there have been times when I thought that You were just pure evil.

You let me touch happiness and then You've robbed me of it. Can You blame me for being angry at You? Can you blame a small kid who's become orphan for the second time, and who was alone in the moment the Earl approached him? Where were You when the Earl made me betray Mana? Why didn't You strike him for tempting a small, desperate orphan? Why did I have to fall? All these questions were piercing my heart continuously, I felt abandoned, destined to suffering and pain. And I felt I deserved it. Because I had betrayed the only person I have ever loved, Mana.

Then, I met Cross.

Ah, well, he is one of Your priests, but he definitely is a particular one, isn't he? If You still allow him to be a priest of Your Church then You must have a really big forgiving heart. That's what I thought. Although I am also convinced that he was a punishment sent to me for my anger towards You. Isn't that right? If You wanted me to become a part of the Order You could have let me meet some other General, or even an Exorcist, but no, you let me meet Cross.

Still today, I am walking a life of punishment, to redeem myself of the sin I committed by calling back Mana. My curse is a perennial reminder of my mistake, and a punishment that allows me to see the suffering souls called back by the Earl.

I'm ready to be a tool in Your hand to defeat him. I believe my existence to be devoted to this end, and I'm ready to face any obstacle and stabbing pain you will present me with. I'm no more than Your arm in this war, please use me as You see fit, because my life has prepared me for this. Because I can understand the desperation of those who accept the Earl's delusion, I can see the pain the souls are forced to sustain, and I can see how relieved and happy they feel when I free them. I'm ready, I'm focused, I'm prepared.

So, why am I writing this letter to you? I, who have never asked you for anything.

Because recently I feel confused. I'm Your tool, right? I'm on Your side, right?

I've endured all of this pain and suffering to be moulded as Your fighter, right?

I know Your plans cannot be grasped by my mind, but I can't see a reason for what's happening to me now. I felt I deserved it before, I felt I had to redeem myself to become your fighter, but now? Now that I'm ready to die without questioning my destiny, now that I devoted my life to become Your sacrifice.

Why, Jesus, do I have to have a Noah growing inside me?

What does it mean? Am I not on Your side anymore?

Am I destined to betray You too?

I feel alone and confused. I'm starting not to trust myself anymore. Every time I see myself in a mirror I can feel my world disappear around me, the earth vanish from under my feet, my resolution in life cringe and waver. I'm surrounded by a mist of contrasting feelings, I feel it. I feel that I'm loosing my anchors, that I'm slowly being carried away by the waves, distancing myself from Your safe harbour.

Who am I? I had found my reason for living, I had found a reason for my suffering, a destiny for my existence but now I feel I'm loosing them again.

I've never asked You for help, all of my life I've never bothered You. But now, please, help me. Don't leave me alone in this moment. Give me a sign, let a lighthouse guide me ashore through the mist that's suffocating me, cutting me out and making me sail alone and blind.

I pray You, this time in my life, please help me.

Allen.

_p.s._

_It's the 25th now. There was a Christmas party in the canteen yesterday evening. I was being late because I was writing You this letter and Jerry threw a fit because I wasn't there._

_Someone came and picked me up from my room, and it was… Kanda!_

_I thought they sent him to scare me but Lavi told me he volunteered. It is surprising isn't it?_

_He said that it wasn't like me to be late at a multi-course dinner and I thought it was hilarious that I had just been writing to you about loosing myself and not knowing who I am anymore! But after the party he came to me and said: "As usual you've stuffed yourself so full it's disgusting. I guess no matter what you go through you'll always be you. Don't you dare make me think about you again. You're an exorcist, remember your health is one of your duties."_

_I felt so… relieved. He was the usual jerk but for once I was happy. I suddenly felt how he constantly keeps an eye on me, and that he worries when I don't behave as my usual self. Even if he never shows it and never admits it (do you think I haven't noticed how he didn't say the word "worry" and instead said "think"?) for the first time I felt I'm there in his eyes and thoughts.  
_

_I'm shocked that he is the one you sent me to keep me sane and safe, but I understand now that he is my mirror, who will notice any change in me and who will come check on me; and through his eyes I will see myself and keep _being_ myself._

_I added this post scriptum to this letter because I want to thank you for letting me meet him. I will follow Kanda when I feel lost because he will for sure bring me back, as he did yesterday, and when I'm back he'll be my dock, because he is a pillar that never wavers, and being next to him I know my place, my role and myself._

_Thank you baby Jesus for sending me such a rude, uncompromising, impassive… yet attentive, reliable friend. My future days look less frightening now that I realized Kanda will be there with me._

_Allen._

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I wanted to have Kanda give him a present but it would have ruined it all. So, what do you think?_  
_


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